Minnesota seeks to leave U.S., become Canadian province

Minnesota — In what is being referred to as “Minnexit,” Minnesota’s government has announced its intentions to secede from the United States and join Canada as a new province. In a press release, the office of Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton explained that the results of a recent survey show that the majority of the state’s people are disgruntled with their new President Donald Trump’s policies and values.

“It is our freedom as Americans to choose who we want as our president. We did not choose Donald Trump, therefore we are exercising our freedom and joining Canada,” read the statement. “We understand how shocking this may be, and that not every Minnesotan might agree, but extreme times call for extreme measures. We are giving every resident a 6-month grace period to move to another state if they do not wish to join our friendly northern neighbours in Canada.”

Governor Dayton’s office did not respond to calls or requests for an interview by press time.

Many Minnesotans have expressed pleasure at the new direction for the soon-to-be-former state.

“Well sure, we already sound just like them friendly Canadians up north. Makes sense to me,” offered local newsstand operator Sam Copple from Duluth, Minn. “We’re used to the cold, we’re polite, we’re outdoorsy. We’re practically the same. I think we really just want to make it official to get that free health care.”

Political scientists claim that the process of seceding from the United States would actually be quite simple, but it’s becoming a Canadian province that’s the tricky part. Canada still falls under the rule of Queen Elizabeth II, who is known to specifically dislike Minnesota due to a bad experience she had while visiting the state in the late ’90s.

“Her Majesty wanted to experience an authentic breakfast at a local Cracker Barrel while in Lakeville, but the service took too long and her pancakes were cold by the time she received them,” explained Dr. Sandra Gorski, a political science professor at Carleton Univeristy in Ottawa.

“When Her Majesty complained, the waitress told her: ‘That’s just how freedom tastes.’ It will be quite interesting to see how she reacts to the news of Minnesota wishing to join her realm. Luckily for them, she is known for generosity and ability to forgive,” said Gorski.

Canadians have stayed true to their reputation of being hospitable, with many looking forward to welcoming their new brothers and sisters.

“No bother to me at all to welcome Minnesota,” said New Brunswick resident Tammy Wallace-Munn. “The kids might complain that they have one more province to memorize in school, but overall, the more the merrier! Heck, maybe they could teach us a thing or two about freedom.”