Miramichi — It was, to say the least, a pretty regular day for Keith Martin of Newcastle on Wednesday. He got up at 7 a.m., let his dog outside, grabbed his morning newspaper and headed to Tim Hortons down on the Square. Shortly after ordering his double-double and cheese biscuit, he found himself browsing the arts and entertainment section of the Miramichi Leader only to find out Zayn Malik will inevitably leave One Direction, breaking ties with the band as well as millions of teenage girls’ hearts.
In a brief interview with The Manatee, Martin, 58, made it abundantly clear that zero fucks were given after reading the news about the One Direction singer and that all fucks were still securely intact in his jacket pocket.
“Now, usually I give a fuck or 2 when a singer or musician leaves a band but for some reason I didn’t give any when I read about the young bearded lady quitting the One Directions,” Martin explained, dipping his last biscuit bite into the steaming-hot coffee.
Martin asked us to set the record straight by relaying his quantitative values of fucks given when learning distressing news about bands and musicians:
- When the world lost Elvis: 3
- Learning about the Paul McCartney death conspiracy on Netflix: 2
- Finding out Jesse McCartney exists: -10
- Anything Justin Bieber-related: 1
- When they changed the theme song to Law & Order SVU: 4