Moncton to capitalize on Islanders’ confusion

Moncton to capitalize on Islanders’ confusion

Moncton — New Brunswick has the Department of Tourism and Infrastructure to thank for a couple of misleading road signs that trick drivers en route to Prince Edward Island into always ending up back in Moncton. The DTI isn’t saying whether the deception was intentional, but the premier was quick to confirm that it was.

Brian Gallant said that, thanks to the signs, New Brunswick will no longer be the drive-through province, but will be known as the dead-end province, which is way better when it comes to tourism spending.

“DTI and Tourism put their heads together on this one, and the plan to lure people back into our province through deceit has been going swimmingly so far,” said Gallant, leaning against a decrepit downtown Moncton building and shielding his baby-blues from the sun. “We’ve already caught quite a few Islanders.

“Look at them over there!” he interjected, pointing toward a family that was exiting a car with a P.E.I. licence plate.

“We all know there’s no legit way to get people to visit Moncton,” admitted Moncton Mayor Dawn Arnold, who was for some reason hanging out with Gallant. “So the confusing road signs are honestly a godsend for this city and the province. If we can keep those lost Islanders here a while, they’ll spend their hard-earned cash, and then we’re laughin’!”

Gallant accidentally dropped his list of things the province and the City of Moncton intend to spend the revenue on, and The Manatee managed to grab it before anyone noticed. The list includes:

  • Finally remove mud from Chocolate River
  • Open at least one other decent restaurant besides Tide & Boar
  • Make T-shirts that say “Definitely NOT the arsehole of the Maritimes” and “At least you’re not in Saint John”
  • Pay another blogger to come say Moncton is the place to be
  • Open a few more Chinese restaurants and strip clubs
  • De-shittify Parlee Beach
  • Make Magic Mountain great again
  • Pay for all drivers to retake driver’s ed
  • Reopen Cabela’s
  • Start a fund to help more people open more car dealerships
  • Ra-magnetize Magnetic Hill (must be done every 15 years)
  • Finally do something about Riverview
  • House the homeless (if any money left over)

We caught up with the family of Islanders, who said they just wanted to get back to their home of Summerside, but because of the confusing signs are stuck in Moncton until they try to escape again tomorrow.

“Ugh, we have to pay for a hotel in this godforsaken city,” said dad Frank Jacobs. “And then there’s meals and whatever toiletries the kids need, and some kind of entertainment, but it doesn’t look like that exists around here.

“You win, Moncton. Hope you enjoy our friggen’ money.”

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