Montreal — In a nearly unanimous 58:2 vote, Montreal City Council has voted to euthanize the rapper and entrepreneur Pitbull. According to Mayor Denis Coderre, the decision to introduce the motion was in response to countless complaints that were being made by citizens every week.
“In the end, this is about protecting Montrealers,” he said.
Pitbull recently released a fragrance. The commercial for the fragrance is thought to exemplify an especially problematic assertion of masculinity wherein one expects to be persistently worshipped without the slightest bit of merit; this brand of masculinity legitimizes itself with words such as “classy.” The ad is also thought to have solidified his place as the world’s biggest douchebag.
The new bylaw takes effect Oct. 3, but the process will not be a simple one. At exactly 9 a.m., a team of trained specialists will fly to Miami, bind and gag Pitbull, drag him to the airport and fly him back to Montreal.
“He will be then be put down humanely,” explained Catherine Gautreau, who is in charge of the operation. “This aspect has drawn a lot of controversy from people insisting that he be killed by punches to the penis or forced to listen to his own music, but we are professionals.”
Pitbull has not as of yet commented on the vote. It is unlikely that the entertainer is aware that the vote even took place, as it was only covered by Canadian media.