Fredericton — Beware everyone from toddlers to teenagers — the New Brunswick government is going to make you clean up your entire plate…or else!
The Tory government announced today that it intends to pass legislation forcing children to eat up all of their vegetables at every single meal.
If parents can’t demonstrate that their children are consistently eating healthy food, they will no longer get access to free health care under the Medicare system.
“Now that we’ve used the notwithstanding clause once to require vaccinations to attend public school, we are really feeling our mojo!” beamed Premier Blaine Higgs. “There’s a whole lot of things that we think people should do, but they don’t because they are too stupid or stubborn. So, we are just going to take that extra step and force them to do it. Boom! How do you like me now, a-holes?”
Higgs said with health-care costs spiralling out of control, the government needs to crack down on citizens who don’t take care of themselves. “People who don’t live as healthy as possible not only get sick more often, they cost the health-care system more money. Unhealthy eaters place other citizens at risk by their choices and it’s unacceptable! If those snot-nosed punks want to only eat junk, they can be their parents’ problem!”
The so-called “notwithstanding clause” is a controversial part of the Canadian constitution that allows the government to violate personal freedoms for reasons they consider urgent or necessary. The clause’s use to mandate vaccination to attend public school will be its first use in New Brunswick.
Vaccinations and vegetables are only the beginning for the clause’s use according to the premier. “The notwithstanding clause can solve a lot of problems for us — it really is the ‘Santa Clause!’ There’s a lot of things you people do that piss me off and cost me money,” said Higgs.
“All of you people who drink beer every day, that’s not healthy! No health care for you! Smokers and vapers — no health care for you! People who don’t sleep eight hours per night — no health care for you!
“If we withdraw enough government services from these freedom-loving hippies, maybe they’ll finally get the hint and get right with Jesus!” he concluded.