New Brunswick — As temperatures drop, men are ready to shed their plaid in exchange for the latest brand-name camo at New Brunswick department stores.
“When we do a 50 percent off sale, it’s like Kleinfeld times 100,” said Mark’s Work Wearhouse general manager Steven Banks. “They try to hide their excitement, but when they burst out of the dressing room in a new coat, their chests are puffed out like a proud peacock. They strut like a rooster. Their confidence increases and their expression changes from relaxed to smug. It’s like somebody said ‘Do your best Al Pacino.’
“I once asked a guy if he was going to ‘say yes to the vest,’ but he shot me a look that told me I’d better shut up. He still bought the vest though.”
As popularity of camouflage outerwear soars, Natural Resource officials are puzzled by a decrease in hunting licences.
“It seems like only a fraction of the people who wear camo actually go hunting,” said field guide Trevor Wagnies. “I haven’t heard a shot or seen a tag yet this fall, but lo and behold, I walk into Tim Hortons and the lineup looks like the greenhouse at Scott’s Nursery. That’s not how camo works!”
Some “hunters” were willing to confess their sins under the condition of anonymity.
“I haven’t shot a birdie this year, let alone a gun,” said summer-golf-enthusiast-dressed-like-a-hedge Scott Adams. “I was never very popular in school, but now I feel like it’s my chance to fit in. To be a man’s man. I grunt more, pee in the trees behind my house, stare with vacant eyes in the outdoor section at Canadian Tire, pick up a few bottles of Moose Juice or Buck Jam before I leave, and give a short reassuring silent nod to anyone else doing the same. It’s like a secret handshake. Oh God. Please don’t use my real name.”
When anyone wearing camo was asked for comment about the 2018 closing of Cabela’s in Moncton, they bowed their head in silence and walked away, choking back tears.