Fredericton — ANBL is asking for a handout from the public in order to recover the $8,700 worth of whisky that thieves made off with over the past couple of years. The Crown corporation will be setting up donation boxes outside several of their locations where generous citizens can place money or high-end bottles of scotch to help relieve the floundering liquor retailer.
“It’s not often we ask for a handout, but desperate times call for desperate measures,” said NB Liquor spokesman Mark Barbour. “I think we’ve done enough good in the community to warrant this one small favour from the scores of affluent New Brunswickers we serve on a daily basis. Please, please find it in your heart to lend your financial assistance in our hour of need.”
Charitable New Brunswickers, though, seem to be few and far between.
“We just had Christmas and I’m flat broke,” said Frederictonian Jeremy Lowell. “I s’pose if they really need my help, I could volunteer a few hours of my time working the cash at the York Street NB Liquor — but that’s only ’cause I can walk there… if they think I’m paying for a cab to work for free, they’re crazy.”
Barbour said ANBL is, unfortunately, unable to accept gifts of labour. “At this time we are not in a position to allow randoms off the street to work an hour here and an hour there,” he said. “For one, most of them probably aren’t even bilingual, and who’s to say they wouldn’t just steal more whisky, or promotional scarves and T-shirts? We need cold hard cash, people. Or whiskey. And no bottles that have already been opened — they need to be new. Steal them from Nova Scotia liquor stores if you have to — I don’t really care.”
The Manatee asked Barbour if ANBL will stop soliciting public donations after the $8,700 is returned. “We could I guess, but I think it would be in our best interest to earn closer to $17,400… you know, to get ready for the next couple years’ worth of whisky thefts. You can never be too prepared.”