Fredericton — Given the fact that the health care system is in severe crisis, and emergency departments around the province were only mostly in severe crisis, the Government of New Brunswick has announced that the ideal way to address the lack of access to primary care is to get everyone to go to the emergency room for everything.
They have opened a new urgent care centre in Fredericton, which will be staffed by emergency department employees, where a plethora of services will be offered.
Health Department spokesperson Iva Nokloo, standing in front of the new Fredericton Urgent Treatment Centre (FU Treatment Centre for short), explained, “If patients need a warm place to stay, a snack, someone to hold their hand, a charger for their phone, their vacuum cleaner fixed, a double-espresso macchiato with extra foam, a lobster roll or just a swift kick in the butt, the government will make sure you have access to such essentials.”
She went on to describe how ED staff are undergoing training as baristas and to provide tech support and as personal chefs, among other things. “If it means there are fewer staff in our ERs, that’s a price this government is willing to pay for votes,” she said.
Asked how this would help patients, she replied, “Think about it. Emergency rooms are already responsible for primary care, mental health, inpatient medicine, nursing home care, detox, temporary shelter and food for the underhoused, removing stuck butt-plugs, solving everyone’s life problems and more — and they even look after a few emergencies in their spare time. What’s the big deal adding a few more things? They don’t say no and can never close, so why not?
“Since no part of the system is working anyway, we might as well have the ED staff do things people will really appreciate at the FU Treatment Centre. This way, the staff won’t get yelled at as much. Who would yell at someone who just handed them a nice steaming peppermint latte? I’m sure patients will appreciate this access to care.”
When asked about what health care services would be available at the urgent treatment centres, Nokloo laughed.
“Health care? What we are talking about is care, which is healthy, isn’t it? I mean, if the ED could help you fix your laptop, you could google your symptoms and fix yourself. And we know a lot of mental health is just related to being hangry, so if your ED doc made you a burger or a nice curry, imagine how much your mental health could improve!”