Virtual care makes antibiotics the Frank’s Redhot sauce of medicine

Virtual care makes antibiotics the Frank’s Redhot sauce of medicine

New Brunswick — After a recent article from Ontario showed that virtual care made almost no difference in ER visits, New Brunswick’s approach to virtual care, giving unnecessary antibiotics to every patient for any condition with no accountability, is finally coming into question.

In a recent interview with The Manatee, an anonymous, pajama-clad healthcare provider named Hollinda Munny admitted that they pretend to listen to the patient while actually just reading the archives of The Manatee.

“I mean, they just go on—blah, blah, blah—fever, blah, blah, blah—sore toe, blah, blah, blah—gerbil up my bum, blah, blah, blah. As long as they don’t say the magic words ‘chest pain’ or ‘suicidal,’ in which case I send them to the ER, they get antibiotics, so it doesn’t really matter what they say. Like Frank’s Redhot, I put that shit on everything.”

When asked how they mitigate the risks of antibiotic resistance from too many antibiotics, she replied, “Well, I’m giving them out virtually, so there is virtually no resistance, duh.”

When asked to clarify how this helps patients, the anonymous provider named Hollinda responded, “Listen, they are not getting care anywhere, so it at least helps patients make me make money while making them feel they are getting care! And isn’t it helpful to give people a purpose in life, especially if it’s to buy me this new silk bathrobe I can wear to work?”

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