New Brunswick — After months of investigation, researchers for the provincial Department of Health are certain that the reason behind the exploding number of excessively loud vehicles is Small Dick Syndrome, but the reasons for the weensy wiener problem itself are still being probed.
Every year brings an increase of ear-blasting diesel pickup trucks and little shitbox cars with no apparent muffler. And with spring comes a blight of eardrum-destroying motorcycles, like straight-pipe Harleys.
The public is fed up, but the government’s related interest in undersized privates wasn’t known until an internal memo was leaked to The Manatee. A provincial spokesperson said that just because the investigation wasn’t publicized doesn’t mean there’s some kind of cover-up, telling us: “Don’t worry about this tiny dick business. Nothing to see here, so to speak.”
But a researcher involved in the investigation, Carla (not her real name) agreed to an interview.
The Manatee: So why do these annoying morons want to drive the rest of us insane? Are they just assholes?
Carla: Actually we’ve found that they’re usually okay people. Overwhelmingly male, and their vehicle is compensating for an insecurity. These guys would never be loud and obnoxious walking around in public — eventually they’d face a mob. But in their vehicle, they’re anonymous and feel they can get away with it. They’re like low-tier male chimps who make loud aggressive displays, but at a distance to avoid getting beaten up.
The Manatee: So is it to compensate for low socio-economic status?
Carla: Diesel pickups and Harleys don’t come cheap. And there’s a new Harley dealership opening in Moncton soon, so there will be lots of well-off men here looking to annoy as many people as possible.
But there is one male insecurity that’s become an epidemic: Small Dick Syndrome, mainly caused by internet porn. A vast number of perfectly well-equipped guys think the humongous tools they see in porn are ‘normal,’ so theirs must be deficient.
However, there’s also been a worldwide increase in the percentage of men with actual micropenises, because of endocrine disruptors, which are chemicals in the environment that lower the amount of testosterone in the developing fetus. Hundreds of chemicals are known endocrine disruptors, one of them being the notorious forestry industry herbicide, glyphosate.
Trouble is, no one knows if the loud vehicle problem here is caused mostly by guys with actual tiny dicks, or normally endowed guys with insecurities. We were told to determine if the problem is indeed a provincial epidemic of micropenises traceable to glyphosate, so that The Company Who Shall Not Be Named (starts with ‘I’) could take action to cover their asses before the public found out.
Due to the obvious fact-gathering challenges, Carla said progress has been slow.
In Moncton, The Manatee caught up with Jake, who drives a 2006 Honda Civic with a custom muffler designed to fray nerves for a two-kilometre radius.
“It’s great!” he beamed. “If I do Mountain Road, Wheeler, and a couple other main drags through town, I can antagonize literally fifty thousand people in fifteen minutes. What power! But my friggin’ girlfriend just sits next to me in the car with a long face and grumbles that ‘it doesn’t compensate.’”