New Brunswick RCMP to implement mandatory roadside semen samples under new marijuana legislation

New Brunswick RCMP to implement mandatory roadside semen samples under new marijuana legislation

Fredericton — In preparation for the Trudeau government’s proposed legalization of marijuana, New Brunswick’s top RCMP officer, Assistant Commissioner Larry Tremblay, confirmed this week that his force has plans to collect mandatory roadside semen samples as a method of catching impaired drivers.

“With alcohol we have the breathalyzer test, which is accurate and reliable,” said Tremblay. “For marijuana the breathalyzer technology simply doesn’t work, so we’ve been investigating alternatives.”

One of those alternatives, semen samples, is supported by results from researchers at the University of New Brunswick. In a report of preliminary findings, Dr. Jose Canterbury wrote: “Because the body produces semen on demand, THC (the active ingredient in marijuana) measurements from on-the-spot samples of drivers’ semen are more reliable than any other method of testing.”

Addressing concerns about invasion of privacy and sexism, Tremblay affirmed, “We’re just following the science on this one. Nothing political here; men commit 89 per cent of impaired driving offences, and if this is the best technique with the most accurate readings, then we’re going to give it a try.”

Recognizing that this could be uncomfortable for people, Tremblay agreed that such a measure could “…ruin a first date, create painful embarrassment for someone driving with their parents, make things difficult at work for colleagues who carpool, or introduce an unexpected element to a weekend hunting trip. But to me, these all serve as potent deterrents for anyone thinking of driving while high.”

Tremblay did note that his officers were still developing plans for implementation, including a procedural handbook outlining the logistics of obtaining a roadside sample, what assistance may be provided to nervous motorists (including both generic Viagra and a government-approved pornographic pamphlet), and guidelines prohibiting the enforcement measure within 500 metres of a school or playground.

“Bottom line is,” Tremblay finished, “if we have reasonable suspicion, then we’ll be ordering a sample on the spot. Our members will be trained to assist if necessary, and are happy to do so in both official languages.”

  1. WTF they do swab test in your mouth and it’s accurate up to 8 hours they have been using this application for post accidents at work sites for several years

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  2. Forced ejaculation induced with Viagra and gov’t approved porn, enforced on the side of the road? How can any official even say this and be serious. If they actually think this is a viable method then the whole world is going beyond sick. This is sick, the people who are even considering this are sick. How on earth would a rational police officer even want to partake in such a disgusting thing? Normal decency seems to be in the rear view mirror.

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    • Relax this is fake. My god people are gullible

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      • People actually believe this article? LOL! For crying out loud. This story is obviously false…just like the moon landing, the building of the pyramids and the JFK assassination – all faked by the Reptillians and the Illuminati.

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  3. This can’t be real ..

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  4. The first test should be the officer performing the mouth swish test.

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  5. I think I may go to NB and drive like I’m under the influence. When I am pulled over , to a female officer I could say ‘ you pulled me over, will you please pull my boner’. I do not want to be acused of tampering.

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  6. Never seen so many people fall for satirical humour before until now. LMFAO!!!!!! I would be worried about the ones pretending to be under cover cops. lol.

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  7. Eric NanookoftheNorth Hall January 24, 2019, 4:41 pm

    Would there be female police officers present to lend a hand?

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  9. Patricia ducharme January 25, 2019, 3:58 pm

    Hopefully it’s not going to make female officers do this. Totally sexual harassment

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    • They can’t do that this is bull shit if it’s TRUE I can see alot of lawsuit’s wake up people its bull I can see them taking blood this is all bull lmfao

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  10. Y’all are too gullible holy shit

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  11. Hilarious , thanks for the laugh ….

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