New Brunswick to lift all restrictions on Friday, COVID-related or otherwise

New Brunswick to lift all restrictions on Friday, COVID-related or otherwise

Fredericton — Despite falling short of the target goal of a 75 per cent vaccinated population, the New Brunswick government announced last week that they will be lifting all COVID restrictions in the province on Friday. Since this decision, however, the Office of the Premier has stated that, in addition, all provincial laws will be temporarily repealed for the duration of the weekend. 

“I think it’s fair to say that after a year and a half, we’ve all gotten pretty sick of rules in this province,” Premier Blaine Higgs said during a press briefing. “I think it’s high time we shake the rust off and really break loose for a weekend. No laws, no rules — only fun. I think we all deserve it.”

“So…It’s kind of like The Purge?” asked a reporter from the Telegraph-Journal. 

“No, it’s not like The Purge,” said Higgs, mimicking the reporter’s somewhat obnoxious voice. “It’s a “completely new thing. A New Brunswick thing. That I invented.”

“Well, it sounds like The Purge,” the reporter mumbled under his breath.

A journalist from CBC raised her hand.

“Does that mean I can relieve myself wherever I want, and not be arrested?”

“You sure can!” said Higgs, raising his hands in a “why not” gesture.

“What if I wanted to take a shit, like, straight down into Reversing Falls?”

“Uh, yeah…I guess. Is there any other—”

“But,” the journalist continued, “what if I went up to the stairs of the legislative building and just dropped a big, steamy deuce?”

“I mean, yeah, dude…poop wherever you want.”

The journalist sat back in her seat with a satisfied nod. Higgs continued to outline his plan.

“Starting at midnight tonight, you can rob, steal, vandalize, whatever,” he said. “Then, come Monday, you can keep the spoils of your debauchery, and face absolutely none of the consequences. We call it the ‘Irving Deal.’ This weekend, we’re all Irvings.”

Before finishing the conference, he left reporters with one final thought.

“You people wanted me to abolish the police? Well, now you’ve got it!”

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