New Brunswick — Scientists at the University of Fredericton have developed an ingenious new technology that promises to dramatically increase vaccine rates among young New Brunswickers, it was announced today.
“We noticed that while Covid vaccines are not catching on among the young in our province, gonorrhea certainly is,” Fredericton vaccinologist Dr. Wayne Wiggs told The Manatee. “So we genetically modified the gonorrhea bacterium to turn it into a Covid vaccine and released the new GM germs into the community. Now your dose of the clap comes with a built-in dose of Covid vaccine!”
Unprotected New Brunswickers, previously criticized for not stepping up to get vaccinated, are now leading the “Drive to 75″ by spreading the new STD/vaccine combo. “I never thought of myself as a public health hero before,” said gonorrhea-carrier Brick Hicks, 23, of Skyline Acres. “But I’m glad I can do my bit to get ‘er done! And ‘er. And ‘er too!”
An awareness campaign targeting New Brunswick youth is being rolled out by GNB. The new “Pants Down For NB” logo will replace the old “Sleeves Up For NB.”
“It’s another proud day for New Brunswick as our Covid successes put us on the map,” said MP Jenica Atwin, whom we reached on a sideroad off the Path to Green. “First, they named the most famous variant after our very own Fredericton Delta, even though we didn’t have an outbreak there. Now we have invented the Clap for Covid vaccine too? Yay!”
“When I said the N.B. dashboard should show vaccination by sex, I had no idea that top Fredericton scientists were working on just that!” said Toronto epidemiologist Professor Fireplace. “Even in Toronto we’re not that clever. Well done!”
As we went to press, current projections indicated that New Brunswickers in the target 20 to 30 age group were expected to exceed the 75 per cent vaccination goal by New Brunswick Day.