New Brunswickers now required to communicate in French and English while in public

New Brunswickers now required to communicate in French and English while in public

New Brunswick — New Brunswick’s Commissioner of Official Languages is at it again, declaring a new law that will affect every single resident of the Picture Province.

It was reported Tuesday afternoon that Katherine d’Entremont has released plans that will mandate everyone in New Brunswick to communicate in both official languages at all times while in public.

The Manatee was able to obtain a leaked email from the premier’s office outlining the proposed law:

“Any person living in or travelling through New Brunswick will be required to communicate in both English and French no matter their method of communication, while in a public setting,” read the email.

“If speaking aloud, one must dictate, or try to the best of their ability, what they were saying in both official languages.

“If an English-speaking person does not really know how to speak French they must try by adding the word ‘eh’ to the end of their English words. An example of this would be: ‘Le car(eh) est juste la, next(eh) de la liquor store(eh).’

“Any French-speaking citizen who doesn’t know English must also attempt to translate their speech by making noises that they associate with what they’re trying to say. Example: ‘De vroom-vroom is by de gulp-gulp-gulp store.’

“If using sign language, the person signing must also sign in both languages by making themselves look English while signing in English, and French when signing in French. Ways to do this are to drink beer and eat hamburgers when English and smoke cigarettes and eat cheese while being French.”

Our reporter met with d’Entremont outside of her office to question her on the motive behind this new language law.

“We are a bilingual province and it’s not fair to any French bystanders if they’re not able to easily eavesdrop on your public conversations,” she explained. “Same goes the other way, too.”

D’Entremont went on to say that the next phase of the law will tackle texting as well. “Say you’re sitting in front of someone on the bus,” she imagined. “And they want to discreetly peer over your shoulder and read what you’re typing, but they don’t know your language — is that really fair?”

Premier Gallant wasn’t immediately available for comment, but a representative said he was “fully on-board with whatever d’Entremont wanted to do, even if it might destroy the future of the province — it’s not like he’ll be premier for much longer anyway.”

A full transcript of the bill has not yet been made available to the public, but is expected to be in effect by the end of July.

  1. Substitute “eat cheese” for “drink Pepsi”

  2. BeerAidedBilingualism May 25, 2016, 10:39 am

    In the interest of saving huge amounts of money for our province and at the same time preserve our cultural heritages, I propose that NB needs to adopt a new language for our province. “Frenglish” Of course, half English and half French. Seeing as most Francophones who speak English already use this technique and most Anglophones who speak French also use this, the transition into a unilingual province should be quite painless…

  3. This is why too much government intervention is bad. What she is legislating is similar to Orwell’s 1984. I think I may become revolutionary. Oy Vey.


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