Atlantic Canada — In shocking and devastating news to many parents, a report released by multiple Atlantic universities today states that nobody gives a crap about parents’ stupid “Elf on the Shelf” poses for their kids.
Social media posts about the Elf on the Shelf have increased year after year, with researchers confirming that they’ve reached an alarming all-time high of an average of seven sickeningly stupid elf posts a day appearing on Facebook users’ main feed.
“Be honest — this isn’t for your kid, it’s for your Facebook feed so you look like a good parent,” said Joanne Furlow of Montague, P.E.I. “They’re basically saying, ‘Wow, look how quirky and creative I am, please feed me internet points so I can tell myself I’m special!'”
Furlow and many others like her are speaking up about their dislike of the repetitive, unoriginal Christmas content being spammed online. But the universities’ report shows that parents actually believe that everyone else wants to see their elf photos.
“I’m so naughty — I took a picture of the elf lying in bed with two naked Barbie dolls,” said Sandy Killam of Yarmouth, N.S. “I already have a photo ready for tomorrow: the elf looking into an open bottle of vodka!” Killam proceeded to shriek-laugh until she cried. “My five-year-old doesn’t really care about the elf, but my friends tell me that my posts are hilarious, so I’m just going to keep them coming!”
When told that his elf photos aren’t interesting or cute, a St. John’s, NL man took the news poorly.
“You mean people don’t want to see how I bent the elf around a random object in my home??” cried Sid Mavis, 42. “But this is all I have! I don’t get many chances to show off my childlike imagination! I was really good at art in high school, and this is my one outlet to allow me to feel creative again!”
Parents are being encouraged to throw the elves into the fire so they won’t be tempted to post about them again or pass them on to future generations.