Obsessive-compulsive Scotiabank to cut 1,000 jobs, rid company of germs

New Brunswick — Citing recent instability in foreign markets where the bank holds stake and “just a bad feeling,” Scotiabank announced Friday it will be cutting 1,000 Canadian jobs — 100 of those in New Brunswick — fumigating all its 286 offices, and requiring its remaining employees to go home immediately and dispose of any thermometers that might have mercury in them.

“We feel these changes are necessary for the long-term health of the company,” said spokesperson James Callahan, “and that the number of cuts in question are a nice even number.”

Not only is the bank looking to clean house in terms of restructuring, they’re also looking to literally clean house. “Over the course of the next 2 weeks our goal is to have all of our offices thoroughly sanitized,” explained Callahan. “We’ll be removing any material from our facilities capable of absorbing germs and bacteria. Any carpet and wallpaper, for instance, will be replaced by a hard stone surface capable of sustaining a thorough bleach cleansing on an hourly basis.”

Stating that the business lost over $200,000 in revenue due to illness-related employee absences in the previous year, the company said making its workplace a sterile environment is now a top priority. “It was recently brought to our attention that nearly 11 percent of people do not properly wash their hands following a visit to the restroom,” griped Callahan. “So to combat this we’ll be removing all toilets and urinals from our offices and relegating the restroom area to hand-washing only.” Adding, “And hand-washing will be mandatory for all staff before, after and during each break.”

The bank also announced new security measures to help shore up lost revenue due to fraud. “As of November 15th any Scotiabank client who fails to enter their security pin code correctly at one of our many ATMs will be asked to remove their card, exit the building, re-enter and try again.”

CEO Brian Porter, who took helm of the company less than a year ago, and who reportedly hasn’t made direct contact with anyone in several months, was not available for comment.

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