Fredericton — Many old men and women who have either never had the ability to reproduce or who no longer do came in droves to the provincial legislature this morning to make their opinions on abortion known.
The crowd waited with bated breath as the over-60 portion of the New Brunswick populace slowly shuffled across the lawn with crudely drawn signs in their liver-spotted hands. The province has for years been eagerly waiting to hear this demographic at last voice their ideas about what the younger, more fertile portion of the population are allowed to do with their bodies.
“I first came out to show my support for the young women in this province who are stuck dealing with archaic abortion laws and an inexcusable lack of access,” said 23-year-old Fredericton woman Kelly Devine. “But when I saw all those old men standing around looking angry, I just knew they must have something important and relevant to say about what happens to my body and my life.
“Before this event, I never even realized that most women actually want to have abortions, and even take it really lightly,” she added. “These old guys sure showed me the error in my thinking!”
Pro-life advocate Bysie McKay, 72, said when his granddaughter told him what abortion was, he was scandalized.
“If a sperm and an egg meet, it’s a human life — we’ll call that human life ‘Henry’ for the purposes of this conversation. As for the young lady who has to grow Henry in her body and raise him in New Brunswick with no help from anyone — least of the all government — she has no right to end that life! Now, would you kill something named Henry? I don’t think so,” rambled McKay.
Our reporter pointed out that this union happens quite often and the body naturally “aborts” up to 90 percent of fertilizations, but McKay just looked confused and showed us pictures of his own children, who are now in their late 40s.
The 15 or so young women who came to advocate for their right to choose happened to overhear McKay’s compelling argument. They all put down their signs, and listened in rapt attention as the elderly man continued his spiel.
“Now, in my day, girls started having babies as soon as they were old enough to raise a large family — at about age 14 or 15. They didn’t need to go to work because their husbands would provide for them. That’s how things have been done. Now you’ve got all these dames who think that if they get knocked up, they should have a say in how the rest of their life unfolds. Not in my Bible! That’s men’s and God’s business and the girls should stay out of it.”
Another old male New Brunswicker, Reginald Boyce, began yelling in our reporter’s face, waving his sign featuring a stock photo of a baby he’d printed off at the library a few minutes earlier. “This is the face of abortion!” screamed Boyce. “Listen here, you mouthy women: I’ve been pastor of my church for 38 years, and that puts me on the correct side of this debate. As an old married man who has a good income, I know a thing or two about young single women who don’t have any kind of income — I know what’s best for them. And what’s best for them is to raise unwanted children while living in poverty. How can you people not see that?!?”
Partway through this speech, the pro-choice protesters — who clearly had never heard such eloquent arguments in favour of “the sanctity of life” (so long as it’s not the young woman’s life) — dispersed to go home and start their own families.