Fredericton — In the aftermath of a disastrous post-Olympics arrest and subsequent suspension from the U.S. swimming team, Ryan Lochte surprised organizers of Bras Across the Bridge in Fredericton this weekend by travelling to the small New Brunswick city to lend a hand.
Lochte, famed Olympian and all-American idiot-savant, told The Manatee, “When I heard what they were trying to organize, I was like Jeah! Me and my brahs had to be there to help.”
Volunteers with the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation, whose efforts to collect donated bras while raising money and promoting breast cancer awareness, were stunned when Lochte arrived with other known Hollywood “brahhhhs” in an attempt to use his celebrity for good.
Members of Jersey Shore — whose unique brand of spray-tanned masculinity vowed not to be “out-brah’d” by Lochte — arrived for the event as well.
“When we heard there was something happening on Freddy Beach we were all like, ‘We know Ryan can swim, but what does he know about cruising the shore, brah?'” asked Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. “It’s not about the stroke in the pool; it’s the gym, tan, and laundry that makes us Olympians of the hottub… yah feel me?”
Event organizers reluctantly allowed time for photo ops before a brief performance from yet another growing pain in their efforts — Robin Thicke — who was for some reason in attendance and permitted to sing.
Blinded by their own arrogance and self-idolizing, none of the notorious celebrities seemed aware that no one much cared to see them, but were content that their contribution to “Brahs on the Bridge, jeah!!” was a success.