Pay to park like an ignoramus with 'HotShot Parking' app

Saint John – To combat the plethora of parking predicaments that occur throughout Saint John, media outfit Wrinkly Walnut have developed a groundbreaking mobile application called HotShot Parking. The app integrates with current parking infrastructure and uses satellite imagery to locate the best possible parking space for the user. If there are no desirable spots available the user can pay a fee that grants total freedom to park anywhere.

Reporters from The Manatee spoke with Wrinkly Walnut CEO Brian Wifflehouse and lead programmer Tara Lovelock over a table of Jägerbomb to discuss the success of this must-have mobile app.

“Aren’t you tired of parking like a pleb?” proclaimed Wifflehouse, while waving his finger across the room. “Everyone and their dog drives a car these days. Finding that special parking spot when you’re in a hurry is no longer an option. We’ve changed all that.”

“With our software you can basically abandon your vehicle wherever you want and people will just have to deal with it,” trumpeted Lovelock. “The city’s parking officers are equipped with the HotShot Parking app and can easily discern between a HotShot parking job and an inconsiderate lunatic’s parking job.”

A portion of the profits of HotShot Parking go directly to the Saint John Municipality to help cover the costs of emergency response teams and inflated insurance rates due to incessant keying and tire slashing.

Avid cyclist Angie Wood raced across a cluttered parking lot to notify our reporters: “Get some fresh air! If we weren’t so reliant on cars, this issue wouldn’t exist in the first place. Saint John is going to hell in a big fat hand-basket!”

Across the city, cars are triple parked, fire hydrants are grossly obscured and handicapped spaces have become meaningless. Motorists are now wedging their vehicles inside entrance ways, prompting some department stores to install Czech hedgehogs and spike strips.

For some motorists, chaos is the spice of life. Allan Humphrey vaguely recalled driving circles around the YMCA parking lot, struggling to find a decent parking space: “It was a nightmare, but now I park like a champ every time,” beamed Humphrey. “Plus I get notifications whenever my vehicle is surrounded by crowbar-wielding hooligans. When that happens, I just click the HotShot button on my phone and the assailants scatter like cockroaches.”

When confronted with the scenario of what happens once everyone in town is HotShot parking, Wifflehouse smirked, tightened his scarf and said: “At that point we simply jack up the price!”