St. Margarets Bay — Vigilant tourists need not worry when sightseeing at Peggy’s Cove, N.S., but unfortunately for the municipality of St. Margarets Bay, dozens of dimwitted visitors continue to ignore the signs each year, risking their lives by walking on the black rocks that slant sharply into the ocean.
“No number of warning signs can prevent dumbasses from ambling over to the slippery black rocks to get a closer look at the water. We hate to have to take this drastic measure, but now you must be ‘this smart’ to enter here,” said Tourism Nova Scotia spokesperson Shelly White, gesturing toward her head and rolling her eyes.
“Intelligence-testing booths are currently under construction at the entrance, where all tourists who wish to wander around the lighthouse will be subjected to rigorous evaluation beforehand,” White went on.
“Questions will be visual, spatial, logical. There will be mathematical as well as verbal analogies. Here’s an example: ‘If you are 5 feet from the black rocks, and you see a sign telling you to avoid the black rocks at all costs, how many more feet should you advance toward the black rocks?’ This one is a key question in determining tourists’ suitability to walk around unsupervised.”
Many dumb people have protested the new evaluation system, saying it discriminates against idiots who just want to see if they can get a cool selfie right by the ocean.
“I’ve only fallen into the ocean at Peggy’s Cove three times — rescue crews had to come get me and I broke my legs in a few places — but I’ve been here EIGHT times! So that’s what, hm…eight take away…three…is like…I don’t know but you get my point!” protested local moron Tyler Steeves. “This isn’t fair to people like me who would rather learn the hard way.”
Steeves tried out the I.Q. test and failed miserably, then stormed home to draft up an anti-Peggy’s Cove Facebook post that was shared and liked by several other imbeciles on his friends list, but that ultimately had no effect.
White said the main question that threw Steeves off was a simple vocabulary-recognition test, including words and phrases such as “waves,” “drowning,” “hazard” and “keep off” — not one of which Steeves could define.
“Honestly I don’t know why we didn’t institute this evaluation before…it’s really more of a common sense test than an I.Q. test,” she conceded, “but it seems sense and intelligence are both in short supply.”