Cavendish — Tourism is taking a dive on Prince Edward Island this week as temperatures and humidity levels skyrocket.
With thermometers reaching the mid-30s, this heat wave has proven problematic in a number of ways for the small East Coast province.
By Monday, for example, hundreds of litres of Cows Ice Cream had completely melted, rendering it unsalable to the general public, costing the Island thousands. On Tuesday, the actress playing Anne of Green Gables reportedly scared multiple children away when the blistering heat caused her mascara and eyeliner to run down her freckled face, making her look like some kind of ginger zombie. But worst of all, the Atlantic Ocean surrounding P.E.I has for the first time in recorded history reached the boiling point of 100 degrees Celsius.
“This is an ecological disaster, as well as a tourism nightmare,” panted Premier Wade MacLauchlan, wiping beads of sweat from his brow. “Lobsters, crabs, squids — everything in the ocean — is boiling and washing up on the sand. Yes, the smell is amazing…reminds me of my grandma’s homemade chowder…but it’s a problem no matter which way you slice it.”
MacLauchlan then lumbered toward the beach carrying a ladle and a Tupperware container, probably for unrelated reasons.
Normally, the heat drives crowds to the beach in droves, but this year, beachgoers are warned to stay away from the sand and surf, or risk being boiled to death.
“Please, PLEASE do not enter the ocean — not even to snag some of those delicious-looking cooked lobsters floating near the shore — or you, too, will be boiled alive!” urged Environment Canada meteorologist Steven Forthright. “No amount of sunscreen can protect you from this strange and tasty phenomenon.
“If you simply can’t avoid going to the beach,” he added, “be sure to bring some butter…lobster without melted butter? Unthinkable.”
Island hospitals have had to treat more than 20 patients so far for burns resulting from attempting to swim in the scorching water.
New Brunswicker Darla Smith is one such patient who has spent the majority of her Island vacation wrapped in gauze and reclining in the burn ward of the Prince County Hospital.
“No, this isn’t my ideal summer vacation or nothin’ like that,” said the woman who resembled a mummy, “but I still think my time at the beach here was better than Parlee at home. It’s hot, but at least it’s not full of shit.“
The You Got To Be Kidding Factor had to be pretty high in all of these articles. I’d buy saying that the sand on the beaches is so hot you got to keep running or toast your feet. But saying that the Confederation Bridge is there to keep the Island from floating away is, well a Bridge Too Far!
For God’s sake, please try to keep your writing from Trump. Give him ideas. He’d probably tweet that Maine is losing their lobsters because they were all swimming to PEI to be boiled, and a tariff wall was needed.
OK. OK! Remove the “God” and insert ” Goodness” got to maintain separation between God and humour.