Piece of land near Moncton excited to be totally destroyed by Evolve festival

Piece of land near Moncton excited to be totally destroyed by Evolve festival

Beersville — Only 8 short weeks from now, a patch of land just north of Moncton, N.B., will be trampled, tarnished, used and abused by hundreds of young adults squatting there for a weekend to hear bad music while high on mushrooms and LSD.

The currently pristine and pastoral farmland couldn’t be more excited to have finally been noticed by Evolve festival organizers.

“Being completely obliterated by drunk youths is a rite of passage for any previously untouched earth in New Brunswick,” expressed the 200-hectare field between Clairville and Beersville. “For centuries I’ve been maintained by only the elements and cultivated by knowledgeable and loving farmers — finally, a chance to be mangled and ruined for generations to come.

“Bong-water, broken glass, Alpine cans, spilled gin and vodka, cigarette butts: these are just some of the substances and chemicals I can’t wait to absorb into my rich and vital soil. It’s all part of becoming united with humanity, or ‘evolving,’ if you will.”

Festival-goers are likewise thrilled to have the chance to utterly ravage a piece of terrain left by their ancestors, who would be rolling in their graves come July 8 to 10 if they knew their offspring would bear children who would grow up to take a weekend off from their call-centre jobs to “play hippie.”

“I hear there’s gonna be showers this year, which we really don’t need,” said Tamara Greer, a marketing executive who goes by “Rainn Watters” during festival season. “I say, keep it natural. Just the open air, the dew, and the land, which attendees will collectively annihilate and make barren for the next generation. Nothing will ever grow here again, except us, into more spiritual and connected beings.”

Organizers, meanwhile, say the virgin New Brunswick land was just easier to book than the festival’s seasoned Antigonish, N.S. spot.

“We pretty much ran out of time,” said Evolve’s executive director. “It’s kind of a funny story — we were supposed to submit a medical plan for the festival by the first of February, but we just didn’t.”

  1. You are misinformed cause there is no glass allow on the evolve site to prevent those walking around in bare feet from getting injured on any broke glass. Security checks your belongings at the door for glass items. Evolve is actually a very recycle conscious event and any drinks have to be hid in cups so you won’t see alpine cans laying around.

    • Have you ever been to Evolve? Last year was my seventh, and let me tell you, there are tons of lazy dicks that just toss their cans on the ground where ever they please. Also, this is complete satire… soooo yeah.

  2. Every person who goes to evolve May 12, 2016, 3:02 pm

    you are fucked


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