Plaster Rock — The infamous “Family Worship Centre,” known across New Brunswick for its alleged cult-like practices, announced Wednesday that it wishes to spread its message of peace and joy to the entire province.
The “church” — as it calls itself for tax purposes — has received much media attention for encouraging its members to exile friends and family who are not themselves members or who leave the congregation. In December 2015, a protest was organised by Plaster Rock community members. It was held outside the “church” to show how many were concerned about the toxic atmosphere created by the Family Worship Centre in the small town of roughly 1,200.
A Manatee reporter managed to sneak into a sermon Wednesday to listen to the Centre’s pastor, known affectionately within the congregation as Big Daddy, explain the new mission.
“It is not for us to judge New Brunswickers. Nay! Nor is it for God to judge. It is for Big Daddy, all powerful, all knowing, to find it in his heart to forgive those living on the government’s swollen teat,” said Big Daddy. “To denounce those New Brunswickers who worship not Big Daddy, but instead worship the false totems known as Lotto 649, Alpine, and smokes: the unholy trifecta that plagues the most well-meaning of us all, stealing from our coffers that which would be better spent in service of the Family Worship Centre’s new sauna, available for use by special request with Big Daddy.”
The Pastor of Pastors then called on members of the congregation to throw any of the aforementioned unholy trifecta in their possession into a large bonfire.
“Let the demons held within these objects of our lust spew forth and leave this place forever more! Let the tithes from ye who sinned reflect the financial equivalent of your deep, deep repentance!” declared the Great Master of All. “Such tithes can be sent by e-transfer to email@example.com, or left in an envelope outside the trailer you so graciously gave me last Father’s Day!”
Our reporter approached the One Above Us to elaborate on how the organisation plans to spread and what it hopes to accomplish. “Excuse me, Pastor McK–” began our reporter.
“Call me Big Daddy,” murmured Big Daddy, throwing a warm, inviting arm over our reporter’s uncertain shoulders.
Big Daddy proceeded to enlighten The Manatee with a vision of a glorious, golden dawn for New Brunswick. A New Brunswick where tourists who, instead of just driving through, would stay forever. Where everyone is a big family, safely protected from ugly, scary non-New Brunswickers. Where nobody has to work, but instead gets to listen to Big Daddy’s wisdom all day, every day, for life. For eternity.