Police seize huge quantity of cocaine, plan even bigger party

Saint John – On Friday morning, the Saint John Police Force seized a large amount of cocaine that had been smuggled into Canada from Guatemala aboard a shipping container. The Port of Saint John had been clean of the insidious substance for nearly three years, until it was discovered today that the boat carrying crates of cantaloupes was carrying something else as well.

A total of 38 kilograms of cocaine were involved, officials reported, most of it stashed inside 76 hollowed-out cantaloupes. Several arrests have been made, but there have been no convictions as of yet.

“A drug bust of this scope is extremely rare,” said Cont. Arnold Ferguson to our newsroom staff. “On an unrelated note, the Saint John Police would like to announce that we’re hosting a massive party for everyone over 18 in the city at Harbour Station this coming Friday night. Everybody is asked to bring at least one rolled-up paper bill, and a flat surface — preferably a piece of a mirror.”

“We’d like to insist that this cocaine seizure and our upcoming rager-of-the-century are not at all connected,” Ferguson assured reporters.

The shipment had been destined for Ontario, and would probably have entered the province by rail. “No greedy Ontarians are going to get the chance to rail the stuff, no matter what method of transportation these jerks were going to use,” said a flustered Mayor Mel Norton, or “M-NorT$” as he prefers to be called. “Drug traffickers and dealers are extremely creative,” he asserted. “I’m sure they thought they’d get away with this, but what’s seized in Saint John stays in Saint John – that’s sort of our mantra.”

Police asked The Manatee to inform the city’s residents that the event is “BYOB,” and “will definitely last until sunrise at least, but might just go hard all weekend – screw sleep.”

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