Premier Gallant eyed for open spot in One Direction

Fredericton — With the abrupt abandonment by member Zayn Malik of the popular boy band One Direction, it was only a matter of time before the question turned from why he left, to who would step in to replace him.

A betting man would place his money on the likes of Nick Lachey or Donny Wahlberg, but that’s because a gambling addict probably knows nothing of the teen-pop music industry. Despite all preconceived notions one may have about the group, One Direction is not one-dimensional. Sources tell The Manatee that the band is looking for their new member in Canada or, more specifically, New Brunswick.

It came to the attention of Simon Cowell, founder of 1-D, that Canada is the ideal location for undiscovered talent. “I saw the clip of Canadian Prime Minister Harper performing his own rendition of ‘Sweet Child O’ Mine’ and thought, this is like someone’s f***ing dad had a few too many pints on Christmas Eve. But I have the keenest eye for untapped talent. I knew there was something there,” explained Cowell, sometimes called the Gordon Ramsay of judging music.

Harry Styles of One Direction also gave comment. “Yeah, we checked out Stephen. If this were 2011, he’d have been perfect. He has the haircut of a 12-year-old boy and could surely provide monotonous clapping throughout each song. But we’ve evolved a lot since then.”

Styles went on to explain that Canadian politicians clearly have the X-Factor that 1-D is made of. And that’s how Brian Gallant was discovered: a young leader who looks like actor Aaron Eckhart with the relatability of mid-1980s Michael J. Fox.

We at The Manatee implored the premier to give a statement on the matter, and this is what he said:

“I’m not sure what direction New Brunswick is heading in. But at this point in my life, there’s only one direction for me.” The premier then gave a wink to what we assume was an imaginery camera, flipped his hair in the wind that was not blowing, and made a 1-D shape with his fingers, which appeared backward to everyone in front of him.