New Brunswick — With jobless numbers rising, a declining population and a provincial debt that continues to spiral out of control, news of President Barack Obama’s firm rejection of the premier’s friend request on Facebook has meant yet another sad reality to add to Gallant’s long and ever-growing list of woes.
The premier, who made the friend request to Obama’s personal Facebook page several weeks ago, also included a friendly message he had hoped would persuade the leader of the third most populated country in the world to accept his request. The message read:
Dear Mr. President,
Thought I’d drop you a line and see if you’re interested in being friends with me on FB. In case you don’t know me, I’m the provincial premier of New Brunswick up here in Canada — kinda like a state governor down in your country EH, haha. Anyway, like you, I know the struggles of being a young, liberal, athletic-looking leader and thought having so much in common we’d have a lot to talk about and relate to. I know you’re busy (believe me, I am too!) but let me know if you’re ever interested in playing a few rounds of golf or maybe just hangin’ out and doing whatever.
— Signed your pal,
Just minutes after sending the request, Gallant excitedly went about telling friends, family and colleagues about the news — reciting word for word what he had written to the American president and asking each and every one of them what they thought of it with coy, giddy optimism.
“I really didn’t want to get his hopes up,” said longtime friend Melissa Grant. “But at the same time Brian’s been having such a tough time lately, and to see him so happy… I really didn’t want to crush his spirits either. So I just said ‘Well Obama’s a busy guy and he probably gets lots of messages and friend requests from lots of people, so don’t get down if you don’t hear him any time too soon, K?'”
Indeed as the weeks went on with no response from Obama, Gallant’s chipper ‘anytime now’ attitude dissipated, and was slowly replaced by undulating feelings of insecurity; however, nothing could prepare the premier for what Obama eventually had to say in response.
“It was bad,” said Finance Minister Roger Melanson. “‘He really lost it and for several hours seemed inconsolable.”
According to sources, Gallant posted on his Facebook page: “What a jerk,” followed by a ‘crying face’ emoticon and a copy-and-pasted message from Obama that said the following:
This is my personal Facbook page. Have you ever walked up to a complete stranger and asked him if he was interested in playing a few rounds of golf or ‘just hangin’ out and doing whatever’? I hope not, because it’s an invasive question and a very creepy thing to do. Brian, let me be very clear: you and I we will never be friends. It appears you fall into that category of people who think they know folks because you’ve seen them on TV and heard them speak. I understand your success in politics may have granted you the idea that there’s a kinship amongst politicians, but there isn’t. The only reason I looked at your request was because you looked like a guy I used to play basketball with in high school. Sadly, I was mistaken. You want to know something? I couldn’t even point New Brunswick out on a map before I decided to run for president. If you asked me about it I’d say some city in New Jersey.
P.S. How exactly is looking athletic a struggle in politics? Personally I don’t believe I’m ‘athletic looking’; I’m fit.
P.P.S. Don’t bother responding.
As of press time Gallant was drinking wine heavily and being reassured by fellow colleagues — who had also had Facebook friend requests denied by celebrities such as Anne Murray and Miley Cyrus — that Obama is indeed such a jerk.