Province bombs smallmouth bass in late-night air raid

Province bombs smallmouth bass in late-night air raid

Miramichi — The war, it seems, has come to an end. Last night, the months-long battle between the province and the invasive smallmouth bass culminated in a late-night air raid bombing of the Miramichi Lake. 

The conflict began in August after the species enacted a hostile invasion of the lake, posing a serious threat to the local salmon population.

For Nathan Boone, President of the Department of Fisheries, the biggest concern was the potential spread of “Fishcismm” under dictator “Billy” Bass.

“Just picture it,” he said, with a disgusted look on his face. “Thousands of mindless salmon, all giving one-fin salutes and chanting the lyrics to ‘Take Me To The River.’”

What’s more, Boone says that the province had received intel that suggested that the bass were expanding their efforts to surrounding bodies of water, such as the Miramichi Bay. 

“We’d have been completely unprepared — thank goodness we had fish on the inside,” said Boone, with a knowing look that explained very little.

In any case, for the Department of Fisheries, this plan was a bridge too far.

“What next? Would they be crawling up onto land on some mechanized legs to terrorize our wives and daughters?” he asked incredulously. “Not on my watch. We had to do something — and fast.”

The attack, which took place at 2:33 a.m., was swift and definitive, reducing nearly all of the smallmouth bass in the surrounding area to chum.

But ridding the lake of the insurgent species was only half the battle. According to Boone, they have already begun efforts to rebuild the once prosperous salmon population.

“We’ve started a program to help facilitate the pairing of humans and salmon for the purposes of mating, through both artificial and non-artificial means,” he explained. “The results have been…well, let’s just say that they have been suboptimal.”

Still, the efforts continue, and as time marches on, one can only speculate on how this event will be remembered. Was it too drastic? Inhumane? Can such an action be justified? These are questions that Boone said he has struggled with many times. 

“I don’t know how history will look back on me,” he said, striking a note of solemn contemplation. “All I know is that I refuse to live in a future in which I did nothing.”

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