New Brunswick — As post-tropical storm Erin continues to tear across the East Coast of the United States, Atlantic Canada is expected to see high instances of extreme weather over the next 24 hours.
Although the storm will likely bring flash floods, property damage and dangerous winds, it does leave New Brunswickers with one less concern — namely, finding a toilet.
That’s right. With over 70 mm of rain expected today, citizens from across the province will be able covertly urinate in public without being noticed.
“Seventy millimetres is really a startling amount of rain to fall on a province at one time,” Stacey Clooling, acting director of Environment Canada, told The Manatee. “But I don’t have to tell you that. I mean, just look at how soaked I am.”
“You haven’t left your office all morning,” her secretary pointed out.
Cooling gazed out the window and nodded her head in disbelief. “Man…so much rain out there.”
This trend of excreta libertas is expected to reach all corners of the province, even at the highest levels of political office.
“Right now, we must really try and concentrate our efforts on relief,” Premier Blaine Higgs told a room full of city officials in Fredericton this morning.
Here, Higgs paused, released a soft grunt, and tugged at the back of his khakis. “To be frank, we’re in a bit of a pinch, but we can’t let that hurricane give us any crap. We are not going to allow it to lay waste to our great province — and that’s the straight poop. No bullshit.”
As the room applauded, Mayor Mike O’Brien could be heard turning to Deputy Mayor Steven Hicks and whispering, “That’s a fucking weird way of saying that.”
Having said his piece, the premier returned to his seat. Shifting comfortably in his chair, he grinned discreetly as a foul stench enveloped the room.