Report: Every goddamn road is under construction

Report: Every goddamn road is under construction

Saint John — In a social media post released earlier today, a New Brunswick man claimed that every “goddamn road in the effin’ province” is under construction.

Moreover, he advised that said construction is really “pissing [him] off” and he alleged that now it takes him “forever” to get to and from work each day.

“Whose goddamn genius idea was it to tear up every single mother-effin’ road in this mother-effin’ city all at the same time?” asked 56-year-old Saint John commuter David Casque of Hammond River in a heated Facebook post. “Is this because of the election? Goddamn Trudeau! I should have known!”

In his rambling and sometimes obscene 10,000-word rant, Casque enumerated several possible root causes of this construction conundrum. These sources include political corruption at every level of government, collusion between automotive service centres and road construction companies, Area 51, the alt-right “Trump lovers” and left-wing “communists,” as well as celebrated actor Donald Sutherland and deceased folk legend Stompin’ Tom Connors.

“There are roads that are just tore up and no one ever seems to be working on them,” he fumed. “Why did they tear them up if they aren’t going to even goddamn work on it?

“And, just last night we were all squeezed into one lane on the highway by pylons — which caused a huge bottleneck for kilometres — and then suddenly it was just over. There wasn’t even any effin’ construction happening. I mean, what the hell was that about?!”

Casque ended his report by outlining the rations that he is now bringing with him for each daily commute. These items include protein bars, a pillow, self-guided meditations, Ativan, and an extra-large “piss bottle.”

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