Saint John — Keep your eyes on that person over there, and those people behind that building too. She doesn’t like the looks of them, and they are almost certainly “stoned out of their gourds.”
According to a new report released today by your grandmother, anyone that seems “iffy” to her in any way is definitely high on legal cannabis. Starting yesterday around 10 a.m., reports of sketchy stoned strangers in her general vicinity increased to historic levels.
In fact, people identified by your grandmother as “high as a kite” skyrocketed by a whopping 1,400 per cent compared to just two days ago.
“Look at that burnout over there,” she said disapprovingly in a recent interview. “I bet that girl has been baked as a dutch apple pie since the pot store opened! If she isn’t the poster child for reefer madness, I don’t know who is!”
The woman who gave birth to one of your parents is now advising that you hide your cash in your sock, as though it were still 1999.
“You can’t trust those dope fiends. I saw a program all about them on the CBC. They’ll rob you in a hot second and then spend the rest of the day ‘blazing up,'” she claimed warily, punctuating the last two words with air quotes.
Your grandmother also reported that she is pretty sure that she was followed to her car by some potheads when leaving the grocery store today. “I got up early to go buy a bottle of ginger ale, and I think there were some druggies following me. Now that pot is legal, they are everywhere, I swear!”
She is reassured, though, that her grandchildren were raised right, and would never partake of the devil’s lettuce.