Report: Public pool now 50% Band-Aids

Report: Public pool now 50% Band-Aids

Fredericton — Band-Aids now make up half of the contents of a public swimming pool in Fredericton, according to a report by local water testing company HydroScan.

“It’s a glass half-empty or half-full situation…I choose to see it as 50 percent NOT Band-Aids,” said water tester Bryce Woods. “It’s important to be positive, especially during these hottest days of summer. People get all riled up about the silliest things.”

Frederictonians had mixed reactions to the news.

“Gross, that’s soooo nasty!” screamed Marysville mom and swimming instructor Terri MacNeil, while affixing three “Elsa” Band-Aids to her son’s scraped knees. “I thought pools were mostly sunscreen and sweat. Maybe I’ll have to just set up the sprinkler.”

“Well, what do you expect?” shrugged Devon dad Jake Lawton. “If you’re so finicky about cleanliness, just swim in the St. John River. I’ve never seen a Band-Aid there. Broken bottles, yeah. Blood, sure. Unidentified sewage, of course. But no Band-Aids that I can recall.”

While the public demands to know which pool in the capital city is half Band-Aid, Woods was hesitant to divulge the specifics.

“Look, it doesn’t really matter. The moment you decide to swim in a public pool, you sign away your rights to hygiene. We all know that most of the non-Band-Aid portion is chest hair from that guy in the ill-fitting trunks or urine from the two-dozen kids taking a leak your immediate vicinity. If you want control, build a pool in your back yard. And don’t wear Band-Aids in it.”

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