Fredericton — University of New Brunswick researchers announced at a press conference in the Student Union Building this morning that they will be replacing the scientific method with just saying “I feel like” all the time.
“Rather than waste energy and resources on rigorous experimentation, we’ll simply tap into our shallowest emotions and sum things up in vague statements,” said head researcher and biologist Dr. Chantal Hogart. “I feel like we were already doing that anyway?”
The scientific method, according to Oxford Dictionaries Online, is “a method or procedure… consisting in systematic observation, measurement, and experiment, and the formulation, testing, and modification of hypotheses.” The new “I feel like” method will speed research along by making it far more superficial and open to interpretation.
“I feel like that’s not really the right way to put it?” Hogart said, twirling her hair. “Like, we feel like we’ll be able to make scientific breakthroughs and significant discoveries without all that repetitive hypothesis-testing.”
Hogart’s assistant Morgan Fitzgerald explained further.
“OK, so it’s like this — we just feel like if we all get together and talk things out, we’ll learn a lot more about the world than we ever could through actual measurement. I feel like observation has always been the most important part of the scientific method anyway, and we’re keeping that as part of the ‘I feel like’ method. And like, it’ll be easier to explain to students and stuff.”
UNB’s dean of research Dr. Anthony Keller pointed out that unlike facts, feelings and opinions generally can’t be proven wrong, as they are subjective in nature.
“If someone is attacking our statement or observation, we can quickly reiterate that we were not trying to posit facts, but rather, to offer a personal take on the study. Additionally, ending sentences as questions can confuse opponents who won’t be sure whether you were asking them something or actually making a statement that they should follow up on.
“I feel like this will put UNB at the forefront of academic research? Or like, whatever… I dunno… what do you think?”