Centreville, N.B. — A memo released by the United States’ Department of Homeland Security announced Thursday that, effective immediately, all those who wish to enter the United States from Canada via an air mattress floating down a river will be subject to questioning about their recreational drug use.
Since a man attempted to cross the St. Croix River last Wednesday on an air mattress purchased from Walmart, border guards have been on the lookout for Canadian nationals attempting to imitate this method of entry.
“We want to respond to this latest method Canadians are using to enter our country,” said Carl Suffolk, a spokesperson for U.S. Customs and Border Protection in an interview with The Manatee. “We recognize that Canadians are, to put it politely, ‘a quirky people,’ and this method of travel might appeal to them. We just have to make sure none of them are high while they’re trying to float into America.”
Since the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, Canadian residents have witnessed the increasing gauntlet of security associated with entering the United States. “It used to be that you drove up to a little shack with an American flag out front and [border guard] Bob Thomison used to just wave you through,” said Centreville resident Christine McVickers. “But ever since 9/11, they’ve got their compound on the border, their X-Ray scanners, you actually need to show them your passport… it’s like George Orwell all over again.”
If a Canadian trying to gain entry to the U.S. via floating air mattress admits to past marijuana use, it is within the rights of the border patrol to ban them from entering the country. “We’re just trying to safeguard our nation from a bunch of Canadian hippie potheads running around,” said Clem Costas, a mechanic and a resident of Mars Hill, a Maine town close to the Centreville border. “Plus it’s for their own good too — you can’t smoke dope on an inflatable mattress while it’s floating on water. Trust me, I found out the hard way.”
Canadian border guards have, meanwhile, been busy trying to keep pace with the influx of Americans entering Canada illegally by means of an ersatz raft made from an upturned picnic table. “We’ve been asking them to promise they’re not the first wave of an invasion force,” said Canadian immigration spokesperson Janine Clemons. “Most of them have said they just want a poutine.”
When asked whether the reason they might want poutine is because they’re high, Clemons just shrugged. “Why not? I am right now.”