Saint John — Saint John woman Janelle Ogilvie, 29, is into roller derby, so she’s probably really tough or something like that, according to sources. Manatee reporters heard about an upcoming roller derby game, or tournament or whatever they call it, and decided to check it out in order to catch Ogilvie in action.
“She strikes all these poses, flexing her muscles, so I’ve gathered that she’s very tough and strong, yet feminine,” said Ogilvie’s boyfriend Tom, a loyal follower of the sport or game or whatever it’s supposed to be. “Ever since she saw that movie, the one with Ellen Page, she’s become very athletic, always skating around in a circle with a bunch of other women. I support her fully.
“And if I didn’t, she’d probably whoop my ass!” he added with a confused, timid laugh.
“I don’t fully get what roller derby is, but judging by the badass team names, it must be for very sturdy women, who have a spunky side — they’re edgy, yet somehow still beautiful,” said another spectator, Marlene Thomas, 46. “I come to watch them do their thing, and I’ve noticed that a lot of them are older than me and totally out of shape, so I’m hoping they recruit me so I can be fierce yet feminine, too. Looks like fun!”
Thomas pointed toward a skinny woman of about 50 who was donning her overly sexualized costume, which we guess is somehow integral to the pastime.
“Like her — if she can join the Vampy Vaginas, I can too.”
The VVs were playing against the Hub City Skanks, which is a very good team or group or something, judging by the crowd’s response.
“The costumes are sexy and very revealing, but there’s an edge to them, too: fishnet stockings and booty-shorts, with kneepads? All I know is, I’m impressed, but also a bit turned on,” said sports-fan Matt Smith, who watched the Skanks’ latest game or event or whatever with keen interest. “I really think the Vaginas are gonna bring it, though — could be a close match! I’ve heard that Janelle Ogilvie is tough-as-nails, but she’s attractive while she kicks ass.”
Our reporter agreed that Ogilvie has got to be pretty darn tough: after all, we saw her slathering black war-paint over her sparkly makeup before the game. A photographer was snapping pics of her ritual, and he said his full-time job has become roller-derby photoshoots.
“I get paid a butt-load just to take these glamour-shots of these…I guess athletes? It’s a sweet gig,” explained Ryan Robertson. “They all want the most badass Facebook profile picture, where they look powerful and robust, but totally bang-able. It’s easy, really.”
As for Ogilvie, she asserted she has no plan to stop roller-derbying, although we didn’t suggest anything to that effect.
“We have a huge game against the Busty Bathurst Babes on Saturday,” said the woman we figure is forceful yet entirely womanly, in her own way. “You can bet we’re gonna kill it — with style.”