Rothesay – With the scourge of hearse-driving millennials seemingly dealt with, the Town of Rothesay, N.B. has turned its focus to a new public nuisance.
Last night, council voted unanimously in favour of a new bylaw restricting outdoor dog defecation. Beginning Aug. 1, all crouching canines are prohibited from pooping in public. Any outdoor dog must be diapered at all times to prevent the possibility of someone seeing a random dog leaving a log.
“It’s just so disgusting,” cringed Buffy McAllister Witherspoon. “I don’t want to be outside and have to see something objectionable to me, like a squatting mutt’s butt. Scooping the poop isn’t enough anymore — we need to stop the drop altogether.
“Obviously, my delicate sensibilities must be catered to because I am readily offended by a great many things,” continued Witherspoon. “And, I have quite a lot of time on my hands to spend being offended, as well as calling Town Hall to tell them about it.”
Bureaucrats at Town Hall are overjoyed to have a new inconsequential matter upon which they can focus their time. “Ever since we finished putting up cement islands on Hampton Road and dealing with that ghastly car, we’ve been bored silly,” admitted one staffer. “You can play Spider Solitaire and surf Facebook for only so long before you start to feel guilty.”
Ironically, this past week the town of St. Stephen struck down their pooper-scooper bylaw. The rule change means that dogs can let loose on any piece of public property, and owners no longer have any obligation to pick it up. Speaking on behalf of the town, Communications Officer Deborah Downer shrugged it off saying, “Seriously, look at this place…why bother?”