Saint John — Earlier today, seismic activity was reported 35 kilometres north of Saint John.
While it was initially misreported as a “minor” earthquake, measuring only at a 3.7, those numbers are now in dispute after the force of the activity proved strong enough to dislodge the city from the rest of the province.
The Port City is now adrift, and, by last reports, is floating somewhere around Nova Scotia.
Fearing that the event would add credence to the claim that the province is “falling apart” under his guidance, Premier Blaine Higgs addressed the issue via a Facebook post in which he shared a link to the CBC article, and asked, “How much do we even need Saint John, really?”
Naturally, the premier’s comment offended Saint John’s notoriously thin-skinned mayor, Don Darling, who spoke to The Manatee via FaceTime wearing a pirate hat and an eye patch.
“Arrrr, if he was here, I’d feed him to the fish!” he said, raising a sword above his head. Behind him, the city council cheered, tossing their gruel up into the air.
When asked to clarify his remarks later in the day, Higgs was much more accommodating.
“Listen,” he said, in a televised statement. “I didn’t mean to suggest that we would be cutting off Saint John entirely.
“I am open to discussing a very equitable trade agreement with the Island of Saint John,” he elaborated. “The ball is in their court.”