Saint John — Port City police raided 6 medical marijuana dispensaries this morning in a concerted effort to get a full day’s work under their belts in a record 2 hours, just before the weather turns really nasty.
“Weed dispensaries are an easy target, and by raiding all of ’em, we can arrest enough people to allow us to spend the rest of the day cuddled up on the couch with a good detective show on Netflix,” said Sgt. Charles Breen. “I’m pretty into The Killing and The Fall right now.”
“Our actions should come as no surprise to anyone,” said Chief John Bates in a statement. “The long-range forecast was reported several days ago. We were in for rough weather and everyone knew it, and everyone also knows that the best way for us to meet our quotas is to bust these medical marijuana operations — which are still illicit, by the way. It’s like people have forgotten that — probably because they’re all so baked.
“We have no way of knowing whether the federal government will legalize it,” he continued, “so we figure it’s best to just nip the problem in the bud. Pun intended.”
One man arrested in the raids says his operation was targeted because of envy, not because the cops aim to serve and protect the public.
“They police are jealous of us. People actually like us; they come in here with a smile on their face and leave with an even bigger one,” said a detained employee of King Canna on Germain Street. “We can help them deal with chronic pain in a safe, non-toxic way. Cops have no idea how to have positive interactions with anyone, so they just ruin the good work we’re doing. ‘To serve and protect’ my ass.”
Back in September, Bates told reporters that shutting down medical marijuana operations was not a top priority.
“September was beautiful and balmy, though, so I was more than happy to spend all day every day doing my job,” he reasoned, while wrapping himself in a fleece blanket and donning his slippers. “But look around you! This is January. The weather is just disgusting. I’ll be damned if I’m going to be out in the field with ice pellets raining down on me.
“Work is cancelled, and that’s the last word on the matter.”