Fredericton — Most people think of nuns as close to God, but yesterday they got a little closer to Satan — and they might need to raise a little hell to get back on hallowed ground.
On Tuesday, a school bus carrying 27 nuns tumbled into a Regent Street pothole and completely vanished. While many motorists have been dealing with bent rims and broken axles, the disappearance of the busful of holy rollers is the worst pothole report this year — or perhaps ever.
“It’s so tragic,” sniffled Regent Street shopkeeper Clarisse Masoeur. “Those old ladies never did anything to anyone… recently anyways. They were tough old birds and pretty strict in their younger years. But, you know, things were different in the 1970s. Anyways… kind of sad, you know.”
Adding to the tragedy, the nuns were holding 16 puppies when the bus disappeared into the sinkhole. “Those puppies were so innocent,” sobbed Oromocto SPCA volunteer Bernard St. Terrier. “At least, compared to those nuns in the 70s. It was okay to paddle a child back then, you know. It was a different time, no one raised an eyebrow. You had to watch your step or they’d literally beat the hell right out of you.
“But, they are so nice now,” he added quickly. “It’s all very sad!”
Terrier mentioned that the nuns were on a mission of mercy for the SPCA when they were lost. “The nuns were taking the dogs to obedience training for us. They needed to be trained before adoption because they are afraid of the dark. Every time the lights go out, all of those puppies urinate uncontrollably. Like… everywhere. Now they are at the bottom of that hole in the dark… with those nuns. It’s just… unimaginably horrible!”
Adding insult to injury, every one of the 27 nuns on the bus was just one day away from retirement. “They worked their entire lives in service of others,” mentioned an onlooker. “Just as they were about to get a chance to put their feet up, the earth opened up and swallowed them alive. That’s like some Old Testament ‘wrath of God’-type stuff, right?”
The nuns, who all met at a claustrophobia support group, are also reportedly germaphobes and suffering from urinary tract infections.