Saint John — The recent surge in crime in the Port City has gotten the attention of Bishop of Roman Pope Francis, who is allegedly contemplating removing the city’s “Saint” moniker.
The 266th Pope’s interest in Saint John was piqued when he stumbled across news of two bodies being discovered at the Best Western last week while reading traveller reviews of the site on TripAdvisor.ca.
“Mr. Pope was planning a trip and wanted to know the best place to stay,” recalled Sergio Avellino, the Pope’s personal travel adviser. “He always prefers to stay in sainted cities, and frankly, the shopping in St. Stephen and in St. Andrews is pretty lame — Saint John won out because of the Roots outlet.”
Avellino told The Manatee that Pope Francis became very interested in Saint John once he began doing some research on Google and saw a rash of crimes associated with New Brunswick’s second most populated city.
“Oh yes, Mr. Pope does all his research by way of the Google,” answered Avellino. “The old popes used to spend days and days researching in the vast Vatican library, but not Mr. Pope — he gets shit done quick.”
Avellino said news of a vicious fight that broke out between players and fans at a junior hockey game this past weekend is what really pushed the Pope into the thought of revoking Saint John’s sainthood. Avellino also said that this move would not be unprecedented.
“Oh goodness, no, not at all,” he explained. “It used to happen quite often, though you don’t tend to see it much now. Fredericton, in fact, lost its sainthood back in 1742 when two male dogs were found having sex with one another while the current pope of the time was visiting the city.”
Avellino said the process is swift once the Pope decides to make it happen, and it could be as early as next week that Saint John will be known forever more as Johnton, Johnville, Jonamichi or just plain-old John.
At time of publication, the Pope had not returned any of our calls.