Saint John Loch Lomond area declared ‘no-man’s land’ during construction

Saint John Loch Lomond area declared ‘no-man’s land’ during construction

Saint John — The City of Saint John has announced the area surrounding the Loch Lomond Road has pre-emptively been declared a “no-man’s land” as six months of construction is scheduled to start.

City works manager Bob Dubé said, “We really have no way to make this work out, so rather than even try to accommodate traffic and access, it’s just a no-go zone until the work is done.”

On The Vine store cashier Ryan Barton was asked for his reaction as he helped other staff board up the windows and doors in preparation.

“When they had the Hickey Road cut off last summer, it was like the first season of The Walking Dead. People sort of understood that we had to work together to survive and should try to keep our humanity. With this construction… this is season 7 level. I’m not getting my head bashed in by some barbed-wire-bat-wielding lunatic looking for some organic arugula.”

Carwash owner Bob Duncan stood next to his mobile wash truck at the intersection of Commerce Drive and Loch Lomond, lamenting the loss of potential income. “This was a prime intersection to get people in for a quick wash. Once things really go to shit, people will just stop caring about how clean their car is. Heck, they won’t even care about their own personal hygiene.”

Local smelt seller Renée Thibodeau, sitting on the back of his pickup truck waiting for another load off the boat, instead sees the construction as an opportunity. “People are going to be pretty desperate for food,” he said, “so they won’t be turning up their noses at the smelt like they do right now. They’ll gladly pay $10, $20… heck $50 per pound for these slimy bastards.”

Dorothy Morrison lives on Loch Lomond Road, and said every direction to and from her home is going to be blocked during the hellish half-year. “I don’t know what else to do, so I’m planning to relocate myself and my family into a hotel for the whole six months — maybe the Delta so we’ll be right by Market Square. I have no sweet clue how I’ll pay for it, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it… as long as that bridge is nowhere near Loch Lomond Road.”

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