Saint John — Doctors at the Saint John Regional Hospital today diagnosed local man Kyle Reardon, 30, with a particularly grim case of fatherhood. Calling it “especially dire,” Dr. David Rhinehart condemned the man in the peak of his life to the next decade in his home.
When Reardon’s girlfriend Kara, 29, was diagnosed with motherhood approximately 9 months ago, he knew it was only a matter of time before he contracted some strain of her ailment.
“It’s one of the most crippling cases of fatherhood I’ve seen in all my years,” explained a stony-faced Dr. Rhinehart from his office at the medical centre. “From what I understand, Kyle had a pretty active social life. Tonight he was even planning to attend some kind of pub crawl Uptown. He said they were going to hit up Peppers Pub for supper, then maybe get some drinks at the Ale House, then probably end up at O’Leary’s and shut the place down.”
“Unfortunately for Kyle, those days are over,” Rhinehart added gravely, scrawling illegibly in his prescription pad. “I’ve recommended bed-rest, but Lord knows he won’t have time for sleep in the foreseeable future. This is the kind of illness that keeps people up all night. They’re dealing with vomit, dirty diapers, endless laundry, meal preparation — it’s just not a hopeful scenario for anyone involved.”
Reardon himself said that, though he loves his newborn daughter, he’s going to miss being an active, contributing member of society. “I’m honestly worried by brain will turn to mush after a few years of watching kids’ shows and talking to an intellectual inferior day in and day out,” he said mournfully. “I don’t even remember how I got myself into this mess.”
Rhinehart said he’s seen instances of fatherhood ruining lives, but new medical breakthroughs are easing that pain somewhat. “What with social media, people who’ve got either motherhood or fatherhood can feel like they’re engaging with the ‘outside world’ — but whether that’ll be enough for Kyle remains to be seen.”
Doctors have long debated the seriousness of the condition, and many even claim that men with fatherhood can lead “rich, full, social lives.” Reardon’s friends claim they’ll still “keep in touch,” with some even making vague offers to babysit “sometime,” but Dr. Rhinehart isn’t hopeful. “That rarely happens. Even the coolest guys tend to lose contact with their buddies when they’re stuck at home all the time with a baby.”
Currently there is no cure for fatherhood.