Ottawa — The controversial Conservative campaign slogan “It’s time for you to get head” is making headway among Canadian “incels” — a slang term normally referring to angry young men who are “involuntarily celibate.”
“I knew this message would resonate with my fans, because believe it or not I used to be just like them,” Scheer told a rally/press conference packed with chubby guys with neck-beards. “I was one of those loser guys who couldn’t get laid if my life depended on it, and l blamed women instead of taking a good hard look in the mirror. But things have changed, and now, it’s finally time for you to get head!”
As the attendees roared in approval, Scheer stepped aside to tell reporters that Trudeau can’t relate to this demographic at all, and so has a limited chance of securing the incel vote in October’s election.
“Justin neglects the growing incel population at his own peril — there are a lot of them. Just look around you!” he exclaimed, gesturing toward the crowd. “They see a good-looking, charismatic guy like Trudeau who has it all, and they want nothing to do with him. He’s a total Chad.”
Our reporter spoke with some of the men in attendance.
“Of course they’d let a woman report on this,” spat one 30-something sporting a fedora and some pretty rank B.O. “But anyway, Scheer’s got my vote. Girls don’t go for me because I’m smarter than they are, and intelligence intimidates the feeble female mind. Scheer seems to understand that dynamic…I don’t necessarily like him, but if he’s going to finally get me some head, it’s worth taking my chances on him.”
Another Conservative backer told us that the problem with Canadian politics is, and has always been, a lack of acknowledgement of the man who’s repulsive to women through no fault of his own.
“I just want a beautiful woman who respects my authority and has sex with me whenever I want,” he told our reporter, wearing a sweat-stained World of Warcraft T-shirt. “Hopefully Scheer can round up all the Canadian females like this and let me choose one who’s hot enough.
“It’s weird, you know — he looks like one of us, but he also has some power and influence. He clearly has a secret and I want to find out what it is.”
Manatee reporters hit the streets to find a woman who might be able to shed some light on the slogan.
“It’s pretty sexist, but then, most of the Conservative platform is,” said one. “Not that Trudeau’s any better with his two-faced, pussy-footed pandering. I think I speak for most Canadian women when I say no one’s getting any head from me.”
*standing ovation*