Fredericton officials wish they just let Hurricane Dorian take out the trees in Officers’ Square

Fredericton officials wish they just let Hurricane Dorian take out the trees in Officers’ Square

Fredericton — As we’ve previously reported, many Fredericton locals were not happy with the city’s recent decision to remove 11 trees from Officers’ Square to make way for new developments in the area.

In the week and a half since that article, the rancour has only continued to grow, with more and more detractors gathering in the square on a daily basis.

“Hhhhuuuuughgghhh,” gasped one protester, falling to the ground and clawing at her neck. “Can’t…breath…no….oxygen….hhhuuuuuh.

“Yeah, that is pretty typical of the reactions we’ve been seeing over the past week,” said Mayor Mike O’Brien, stepping over the student as he passed.

“In fact, just a few days ago, a group of kids even held a funeral for one of the trees,” he added. “They had the thing cut up into its own casket and everything. It was a beautiful ceremony — but it wasn’t great for our image.” 

As it turns out, they probably didn’t have to cut down the trees. Had they just waited a week longer, it is extremely likely that Hurricane Dorian would have done it for them. Across the Atlantic provinces, cities have reported major losses of trees in public parks and heritage sites.

“Well shit,” O’Brien explained. “If I’d known that we could have been like Saint John and sent out this dopey statement saying ‘Oh…we love the trees, we’re so sad about the trees,’ then we would have done that, too! We’re just the victims of bad timing.”

But, he told The Manatee, he understands that people are upset, and he feels that it is important to commemorate the loss.

And so, this morning, O’Brien invited various members of the press to gather in Officers’ Square for the presentation of a plaque that will be hung there in perpetuity.

“This is to show all of you that we have heard your concerns, and that we do care,” he told the audience, flashing a ten-dollar smile and removing the covering from the plaque.

“Dedicated to those stupid trees that everyone wanted to make out with or something,” it read, etched directly into the rotted wood.

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