Toronto — Sears Canada is giving out bonuses to managers, and terminating lower-level employees’ promised severance along with their jobs. Because the blow has been so hard on these struggling former employees, the company has graciously offered them up to three items from the famous Sears Wish Book as compensation.
“That’s a pretty good deal, you have to admit,” said Sears Canada CEO Bob LeFrance. “Who needs severance when you can have a brand-new barbecue, a pair of khakis and a string of icicle Christmas lights? But it doesn’t have to be those three things — it can be ANY three things. Get your Sharpies out and go to town!”
Most Canadians have fond childhood memories of circling cool toys and games in the Sears Wish Book when it would arrive in the mailbox in September.
“I always circled half that bloody book,” laughed laid-off Sears employee Mandy Bertand of Saint John, N.B. “To me, it’s not Christmas without the Wish Book…strictly speaking, this year it won’t be Christmas at all because I won’t have any money, but at least I’ll finally get that Easy Bake Oven that Santa never brought me, and two more items to boot!”
Not all of Sears’ terminated employees are thrilled about the Wish Book deal.
“What do I wish? I wish Santa would bring me a paying job, a sense of purpose, and if not those, then a sizable severance cheque,” huffed Agatha Martin, who had spent 30 years working at the Sears perfume counter in Fredericton. “But I guess I’ll take a new fridge, a George Foreman grill, and an outfit I can wear during job interviews. Does a whole new outfit count as one thing?”
CEO LaFrance said that, while some people’s severance would have been substantial if the company had decided to actually pay it out, there are several big-ticket items up for grabs in the Wish Book that are “just as good as severance.”
“Unfortunately it’s on a first-come, first-served basis, which means if one fired employee circles a certain snowblower, no other employee will be able to claim the same thing. But there should be enough to go around — don’t forget about those adult onesies in Christmas patterns that we always have in the front of the book. Or those retro neon Coca Cola signs you can hang on your basement wall.
“There are also lots of remote-control trucks — those things never go out of style.”