Alma — Sitting in his prized bong-water-stained beanbag chair, local underachiever Ross Smith revealed to The Manatee that he was once again denied a job because of the “goddamned frenchies” last week.
Smith, a 29-year-old house-sitter and 2009 “Cheetos Binge” champion, explained the events that unfolded during the day of his discriminatory rejection. “Like, I saw that that new seafood restaurant was looking for some staff, right? So I just, like, went and put on my best-looking wife beater and cargo pants with the flames stitched on the sides; dude, I even took a shower!” he exclaimed.
“Anyways, I show up at the place and say, ‘Yo, you still need a waiter guy?’ The dude guy at the cash register said I’d probably need to bring in a resumé.”
Smith claimed that, if he were bilingual, this would not have been asked from him. “Fucking frenchies!” he cried. “They’re the reason I haven’t been able to find a job for the past 15 years. I mean, what the hell is this ‘resumé’ talk? Probably French for ‘unfair advantage’ or ‘suck on it, English people.’ What next, French Frogs? You gonna tell me I can’t show off my Winnie-the-Pooh-giving-you-the-finger tattoo when I’m job-hunting?!”
Smith’s mother, Eleanor, claims that this is not the first time the French have stolen career opportunities from her son. “I remember the discrimination my sweetie faced last year when he started his ‘relaxation herb’ business,” she recalled. “Everybody in the neighbourhood absolutely loved the product! Then, a certain Constable LeBlanc showed up at our doorstep, and, just like that, took away my son’s plant business.”
Eleanor believes that this was an act of sabotage by the French community. “Hmmm, so a LEBLANC decides to shut down an English man’s business. Coincidence? I think not.”
When asked to respond to the allegations, the local seafood restaurant manager said that Smith did not even speak to an employee, but he seemed to be high on mushrooms and was yelling at a crab statue near the cash register.