New Brunswick — Recent reports provided to Canada by INTERPOL indicate that a terrorist group may or may not know that people live in New Brunswick.
Experts deduced that the discovery of New Brunswick was purely accidental; they assume that as a terrorist was casually glancing at a map and tracing his finger across a popular flight path from Toronto to London, his finger happened to stop on the Picture Province.
A phone conversation between 2 intelligence officers in a suspected terrorist organization was intercepted, and the transcript released:
Terrorist 1: What is this barren land-mass?
Terrorist 2: It appears to be a large unpopulated wooded area.
Terrorist 1: Would this be a suitable location for a sleeper cell?
Terrorist 2: I don’t believe it would be.
Terrorist 1: So should we ignore this … New Brunswick?
Terrorist 2: Yes, I think so.
The phone call then became riddled with static and what sounded like Nicki Minaj’s hit song “Anaconda” coming from a small boombox.
Premier Brian Gallant reached out to Parliament Hill after hearing that these individuals had just discovered that New Brunswick exists. “We have moved our province’s terror threat level from ‘non-existent’ to ‘wildly unlikely,'” Gallant went on the record to say. “If you look at the international terror threat colour system, this puts us somewhere in the range of a cooked scallop — a white, opaque hue.”
Further research is being done to confirm whether the phone call did indeed have terrorist ties, but it seems pointless at this time to report on the matter any further.