Tide pods apparently not an appropriate meal replacement

Tide pods apparently not an appropriate meal replacement

Atlantic Canada — It’s the trend taking the nation’s youth by storm: just how many Tide pods can you ingest before you lose the ability to chew and swallow, thus becoming “full”?

The Manatee interviewed Fredericton High School teen Hayworth Nason, the current record-holder in the capital region for the number of Tide pods ingested. From his bed in the DECH ICU, using a whiteboard to write out his answers as his esophagus was long burnt out, he boasted that this has been his greatest accomplishment yet.

“Swallowing three pods is like nothing I’ve ever experienced. The explosion of Spring Rain in my mouth…few things compare to that bliss.”

The chain of events that followed, however, were less than blissful. “First, my throat closed up, I lost my vision for a bit. It’s what happened two hours later that some may consider traumatic. I can only describe it as unicorn diarrhea. The colors…so vivid.”

Second place honours are given to Abcde Randolph, who ingested two pods. Randolph wasn’t initially interested in the title; she was merely looking to meet her New Year’s goal of dropping 30 pounds.

“I took one and felt the burn — I got excited thinking I had finally unlocked the secret to quick weight loss. I mean, anything that burns that much from the inside must work, right?!”

Upon speaking with medical staff, The Manatee discovered that Randolph did not reach her goals. Her doctor actually reported that due to multi-system shock, the patient gained 10 pounds of fluid, likely due to the soap suds expanding and filling her cells.

Tide pods have also proven a tempting alternative to meal prep for busy parents. Danielle Sharpe of Nashwaaksis told us that dealing with time constraints and picky eaters — as well as the appeal of an extra income from YouTube — led her to give the pods a try.

“I set five out on a plate, all colourful and sparkly. The camera was all set up, ready to unleash another viral video on the world. My two kids only shared one…they were clearly not ready to set any records. So much for becoming a YouTube sensation! My kids really aren’t good at anything. On top of it all, after a trip to the ER, I still have to make supper!”

The Manatee reached out to Tide for a statement. “What can we possibly say?” they replied via email. “We overestimated the level of intelligence amongst the general population. Then again, Trump is the U.S. president, so…”

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