Tim Hortons picks aggressive Port Elgin man as rep

Port Elgin — Local man Matt Hicks has become Tim Hortons’ new brand representative after a year of eating primarily from the coffee shop chain while his microwave was broken. Hicks says he remained at the same weight during the year, “give or take a couple of pounds,” and thoroughly enjoyed the experience.

“There’s nothing wrong with eating Timmies all the time,” said Hicks. “If you’re worried about getting a bit of a spare tire, just swap out a donut for a couple Timbits and get the soup every once in a while.”

Hicks said the experiment began Jan. 22, 2014 when his microwave stopped adequately heating his food, and ended a full year later on Jan. 22 of this year when he moved in with his girlfriend, whose appliances work.

Tim Hortons was impressed by his brand loyalty during the year, even though Hicks freely admits that he would “go ’round to anyone’s house for dinner if they offered,” and that the entire project was based more on convenience than a test of physical endurance.

In January, the corporation offered Hicks the opportunity to become Tim Hortons’ first spokesperson, likely in consideration of the success Subway had with brand representative Jared Fogle, who lost substantial weight on a Subway-only diet in 2000.

Hicks has made his views on Fogle very clear, stating he believes he “could take” the self-proclaimed “Subway Guy.”

“He doesn’t look that jacked to me. Figured if he was eating nothing but cardboard for a year he’d at least go to the gym.”

When asked whether Hicks goes to the gym himself, he shook his head and responded, “Don’t need to, boys. I got those lobster-trap-haulin’ muscles.”

As part of his new role as brand ambassador, Hicks has challenged Jared from Subway to a fistfight in the parking lot of the Sackville Tim Hortons, decreed that the Tims uniforms be more like Hooters’ and suggested there should be a “fast lane” for the drive-thru.

Hicks has also pledged to roll up a minimum of 5,000 rims during Tim Hortons’ annual “Roll Up the Rim to Win” promotion, hoping to exceed his previous winnings of a hundred dollars’ worth of free coffee and muffins in the past year.

“I’ve got the inside connection,” said Hicks. “My buddies at Tims give me double cups.”

Though Hicks considers becoming Tim Hortons’ spokesperson a dream job, there is a major constraint to the agreement: he must never come within 20 feet of another coffee chain, at risk of being terminated immediately. These conditions are easily met, said Hicks, adding, “I thrown a brick at a Starbucks once.”

What’s next on the horizon for Hicks? “My girlfriend kicked me out so I’m back to eating out. I’m thinking maybe McDonald’s this time.”