Washington D.C. — During his daily 5 a.m. poop tweet session on Sunday morning, U.S. President Donald Trump shocked Canadians by musing openly about walking out on Canada to trade with a “younger, hotter” country.
“Canada is 150 years old?” he tweeted. “Didn’t realize, wow…so old, hardly even warm. Need to start trading with younger, hotter countries and covfefe [sic].”
This recent burst of Twitter diplomacy arrives just as the United States is poised to apply a second set of punitive tariffs to Canadian softwood lumber this week.
In a move called “gross” and “ewww” by Canadian’s foreign trade officials, Trump is rumoured to have his eye on 26-year-old Slovenia — the birth country of his wife Melania.
“In winter, it barely gets below freezing in Slovenia,” Trump said. “Compare that to that frozen disaster to our north. It’s just sad. Believe me, you don’t want to get anything from up there.
“People are saying that all of the softwood is contaminated with beaver rabies. That’s not me…but people are telling me that now. And, the milk from their dairy farms is full of calcium…the most calcium you’ve ever seen, believe me. It’s not worth it folks, we have younger, prettier options.”
When asked why Solvenia would want to trade with the United States, Trump did not foresee any issues. “When you’re the president, they let you do it, you can do anything. Grab them by the plurilateral agreement, whatever. It’s great.”