Fredericton — NB Power is investing $7 million in an untested but “promising” new method of generating electricity that does not emit green house gasses or produce nuclear waste.
The revolutionary technology is the brainchild of the very legitimate Florida-based startup Joi Scientific and involves harnessing the power of human urine. By tapping the toilets of average New Brunswickers, NB Power will be able to make the switch to renewable energy.
On Joi Scientific’s Facebook page, the company states that hydrogen is “the universe’s most abundant element, the world’s cleanest source of energy,” and that the easiest way to obtain hydrogen is from “mammal juice.”
“Hydrogen is Everywhere! Hydrogen is Magic!” said NB Power CEO Gaëtan Thomas. “What’s a cheaper fuel than people’s piss? And with all the beer we drink here, there’s plenty of it to whiz around!”
Popular consensus in the scientific community is that extracting usable hydrogen from urine is too costly and impossible to do. Many experts have compared the theory to that of the archaic medieval practice of alchemy, pointing out that, unless you’re making fetish porn, “golden showers” cannot be turned into real gold.
“Unfortunately, it’s too early in the process to discuss…things,” said Thomas. “Joi Scientific hasn’t been able to tell me anything yet. They haven’t even told any deets to my boi, Bri-bri [Brian Gallant]. The research is important. This is a big opportunity for New Brunswick and we don’t have the best track record when it comes to innovation so we don’t want to muck up the deal with to many questions or facts.”
“We’ve sold toilet hydrogen to Brunsway, Hydroville and New Northbrook, and boy did it put them on the map!” said Joi Scientific President Lyle Lanley. “Well, yessir, there’s nothing on Earth like an untested, expensive, hydrogen-based energy alternative! What’d I say?!”
“Hydrogen!” exclaimed Bri-bri.
“What’s it called?” asked Lanley.
“Hydrogen!!!” screamed Thomas.
“That’s right, Hydrogen!” confirmed Lanley.
Starting this year, NB Power will begin installing new smart metres on customers’ toilets that will track the amount of urine going down the drain. The initiative will cost over $120 million, and according to Amazon.ca product reviews, the accuracy of the devices is real sketchy. The more you pee, the more power you generate. Akin to having solar panels, you will have the option of selling energy back to NB Power if you’re putting more into the grid than you’re using. In other words, the more you piss, the more you save!
So start drinking more beer and filling those bladders up-up-up!!!